A short update for here, since I hate coming back and always just seeing the last post. Pictureless and not really edited but here's how it's going. It's been a week since everything happened and I can assuredly tell you that these last 2 weeks have been some of the longest in my life. Never in a million years did I actually think things would go from seeing what looked like something a bit strange on ultrasound on one Monday to having to make the decision to let go of that baby the next Monday. Not my idea of reality. Last Monday and Tuesday really seem like a lifetime ago. But I'm making my way through the healing process.
My mom just left yesterday morning and having her here was so helpful during the last week. Randy and I were rather numb after last Monday and Tuesday and Randy had to go back to work on Wednesday. Honestly those two days, while burned into my memory, are but a blur... Wednesday seemed to be my "purge" day...Mom and I took back some maternity things, diaper bags, etc...(I hope I will need them again someday, but at this time I don't need the constant reminder of what could have been slapping me in the face every time I go in my closet....) I also decided to thoroughly rid my closet of everything that was too small, out of style, or I hadn't worn in the last couple of years. This resulted in 11 garbage bags going to Goodwill...I don't even remember half of the stuff that I put in there. All that activity and winding up on Wednesday made for a super spiral down on Wednesday night...I think everything kind of came to a head emotionally and it was a really rough night....but as always, night becomes a new day and the week became progressively less painful. My mom and I did a lot of talking, Randy and I did a lot of talking...although his coping mechanism is to not talk and that makes it a little bit difficult. But my coping mechanism is to put walls up and shut everybody out from my little cocoon...
Thank goodness for friends that still knock on that cocoon and let me know they are there and thinking of me. My wonderful, caring friends....thank you so much for the flowers and cards and angels and fruit baskets and texts and emails and messages. Your love and care and concern was so genuinely appreciated and helped me so much knowing people were out there for us.
I went back to work yesterday and hadn't really cried for a couple of days so thought I'd be pretty strong, I could just swallow that "lump in my throat" ...I "thought" so at least, my walls were up...But I headed into work, slightly nervous (who knows why, you just can't explain emotions sometimes...) and wasn't able to keep the tears at bay when everyone was hugging me and expressing sympathy and welcome backs. The wall cracks. But I was trying to hold it together because I thought that I'm supposed to be "better" after having the week off to grieve and heal. Everyone at work makes for such a comforting environment, I'm grateful to have such an understanding group of people. They all have been part of my journey towards pregnancy (voluntarily or not :-) through the last year and a half and I know they shared in my loss....
Hopefully we'll be able to get pregnant again, without it taking another year and a half...I'm rather bummed that I need to wait a few months but I also want a healthy environment, physically and emotionally to try to bring another baby into....
I'm off the rest of this week too....but for an entirely different reason, a planned ahead reason. My focus has to shift quite a bit so that I can prepare for my acupuncture exams this weekend. I'm so nervous for these exams because needless to say I haven't been studying as I should have been over the last couple of weeks. I tend to be a bit of a crammer for exams and now I'm **really** going to have to go into cram mode. I genuinely wish that I didn't have this stress going on right now but hopefully I'll be able to resume focus and prepare the best that I can for this exam...I'll be breathing a sigh of relief when next week comes.
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